Showbiz Theatre – AMELIE Audition Sides
FEMALE SIDES
Amelie –
I could stay right here and give back the boy his book. But if I stay right here he’ll think that I’m a nun and I am not a nun. Heʼll think that I’m chaste and i’m not that chaste. I could run away! Leave his book on the shelf by the lube and the lingerie. But that means it’s over, whatever this is, and I really think I should wait though. It’s hard to articulate why and say my name say “here’s your book and what a place” and “hey, let’s keep in touch” but that’s way too much. It’s hard to go unseen, at least in this instance with so little distance between me and the boy and his book, and the shop and the (opens a magazine to an extremely disturbing centerfold) WOW. I take a step to get out but my feet forget how. Now it’s me just me against the door, this isn’t what I thought, although I think I want some more but not right now. Now I need to go I’m not finished with the boy, I mean the book so I will hold him – hold it ’til tomorrow.
Amelie –
Dad, it’s really good to see you. Here’s a glass of water, take a sip. I know that change isn’t easy, I’m glad that you made the trip. Why don’t you look at the menu, meet a few of my friends while you can. You’d like the white wine and mussels. Dad, this is Suzanne, she worked in the circus.
Gina –
For me? Here? (She inspects an envelope, opens it – there are two documents inside – one, a beat-up and weathered page, and the other, a bureaucratic looking cover letter, which she reads first.)
“Dear Madame, enclosed is a letter found on the body of…Adrien Wells…Which was discovered in a remote crevasse in a glacier high in the Andes mountains. Though it was impossible to recover the body from the site of the crash, we were able to salvage this letter.”
(GINA reads the attached typed letter – torn, damaged, faded, but legible.) “My dearest little weasel -” That’s what he called me! “My dearest little weasel… I realized as soon as we were aloft that I had made a tragic error. I had thought by escaping my life I would find a better one, but the only life worth living resides for me with you.” He really loved me. Now I can move on! Finally! I’m ready to meet someone!
Young Amelie –
In my mother’s schoolhouse, I would sit at the kitchen table and listen to her teach geometry. She taught me about distance. She taught a lesson about a boat that is sailing the sea trying to get from point A to B. So the little boat’s traveling at full sail and it’s trying to reach the shore. But whenever the boat gets halfway there, there is always halfway more. You take half of half and half of that so on and on and so. In my mother’s schoolhouse there was always halfway to go. I’m the girl with a copper spyglass who prays that today she will spot her shore. All at once a lighthouse, a light telling me to lean in on the oar. I start to row but before I can get anywhere, from point A to point B. I’m back at the kitchen table, where I’ll always be at sea. Take half of half and half of that, no matter where I row. Little boat big ocean, with always halfway to go.
MALE SIDES
Nino –
You sent me a photo that I recognize. The frame tries to hide you just like a disguise but I know that face from the look in your eyes. So I’m reaching out to you. You left me a riddle I don’t understand. So I’ll slip slips of paper into every hand and no i’m not asking to come see my band. I’m reaching out to you. So who are you now? When all you have is thin air around you? (Chasing after a couple to hand them a flyer) Excuse me! Excuse me!
It’s easy to vanish when no one’s around. Your footsteps fall silent as snow on the ground. And I may be hammered, but I can hear my heart pound and it’s reaching out to you.
(He hands a flyer to GEORGETTE and JOSEPH.) Here take one of these. Thank you!
It’s too easy to disappear these days. But now you’re so close I swear I can feel you. No more stories, just show me the real you and I promise that I’ll let you see the real me. So who are you now? When all I see is a face you hide away love, until you’re alone with thin air around you.
Dufayel –
Psst. Bretodeau. Not Bredoteau. (His hands and arms are gloved, wrapped in gauze.) T. Not D. Breto. Bretodeau. I’d shake your hand but mine would break. That’s why I wear these gloves. I never leave the apartment and even so everything is padded, see? Well, you can see my apartment from yours, can’t you? Some tea or mulled wine? … Come, come.padded…padded. I suffer from a rare bone disease, they call me the Glass Man. Julien Dufayel.
Dufayel –
Look out your window, Miss Poulain. So, little Amélie, I have made you a painting: a new one. Not the Boating Party. Not a Renoir: A Dufayel! I painted it myself. It is a woman who is not made of glass, whose bones will not shatter. If she risks nothing, she will freeze, her gaze never meeting another’s, there will be no love in her world…
Lucien –
Look I have three figs with purple peels. I did a fig pyramid! Some people feel that figs, of all fruits and vegetables, are the most detestable. Don’t you listen, you’re my best friends, this side of the Seine*. Figs all in a bunch, they want to be my lunch. This fig is low, i’ll name him Figaro. I don’t know why people hate you so, even Jesus ate you, so big and juicy. You’re my best friends this side of the Seine*. Three figs and Lucien! Fig….. aro is blue there’s nothing on his plate. What’s Lucien to do?
*The Seine is a 777-kilometre-long river and an important commercial waterway within the Paris Basin in the north of France.
ANY GENDER SIDES
Garden Gnome –
Greetings from the Great Wall of China. Sending lots of luck from Las Vegas. Cheerio from Buckingham Palace. Rio de Janeiro’s “Brazil”-iant. Here today and gone to Maui. Traveling the world is tremendous. Put on my pointy shoes and board another plane. Race down to Monaco, chase down a bull in Spain. The stewardesses they always wonder, doesn’t matter where I’m from. She asks, “Are you one of Santa’s elves?” I say “ma’am, I am a gnome!”
Anchorperson’s Voice –
For the throngs of millions Lady Diana was The People’s Princess. From her humble beginnings as a kindergarten teacher to her tireless efforts on the world stage, Lady Diana won the hearts of many. Who will never be invited inside Westminster Abbey where Elton John has prepared a special tribute about to begin.
(AMÉLIE is imagining a slightly different scenario from the one on the TV, and the world around her starts to change)
The untimely demise of someone who confessed to having deep feelings of unworthiness, this Godmother of the Unloved, Amélie Poulain – Protector of the Outcast, Amélie Poulain, the Light of Goodness, has sent shock-waves throughout the world
(To audience.) Her true destiny confirmed, Amélie decides to celebrate her new life by daydreaming… alone in her apartment.
(Hears in earpiece.) And now – from inside…we present: the living legend, Elton John!